By Serge Prengel
There was a difficult moment at the Vienna conference when conflict interrupted the love feast. Suddenly, there was disruption. Disharmony. And, under that, a lot of pain.
This has led many of us to start reflecting on how we handle conflict, individually and as a community. This is a process of making sense and carrying forward. In this article, I want to share with you a sense of excitement about what this process is opening up for our community. This goes well beyond the notion of conflict.
These reflections are based on several group discussions as well as many conversations with fellow Focusers.
Reflections on conflict and belonging
It is understandable that we feel discomfort with conflict. At a gut level, we often perceive conflict as a threat, something that breaks our perceived harmony. And so, feeling vulnerable, the knee-jerk reaction is to stifle conflict to achieve safety.
Of course, this doesn’t work. So it is important to better understand what happens in conflict, or in avoiding conflict.
One key reframe is shifting away from the notion that “conflict” just means “problem.” It’s good to keep in mind that absence of conflict does not necessarily mean harmony; it often masks denial or even suppression. So, when a conflict becomes visible, it is not that something suddenly broke down. It is an opportunity to address what has been brewing behind the surface and would become worse if it continued to not be addressed.
As Focusers, we deeply value resonance with others. And we value the deeply satisfying feeling of oneness that comes from being in a group that is emotionally in tune with each other. As an unintended consequence, this can lead us to be blind to our differences. And so, we exclude people. This exclusion is even more hurtful because there is an implicit sense that “they” are wrong not to appreciate the beautiful oneness of the group.
Remembering that our community is imperfect is a valuable corrective to the blind spots that mindful, well-intentioned groups often fall prey to. Our skills as Focusers are incredibly valuable, but they cannot transcend human nature or the implicit intricacy of human interaction. We run a great danger when we delude ourselves into thinking we have a magic formula that makes us immune to these limitations.
At an individual level as well as a community level, there is great value in having some humility: “I’m not perfect. I’m not always aware. I can hurt people without meaning to.” This creates a different perspective, one in which we can see group conflict as a manifestation of implicit intricacy.
The assumptions we make
We make assumptions about how others feel, often taking it for granted that they feel the same way we do. I will share with you a personal experience of this.
Throughout a group process which I was facilitating, I kept using the word “community.” For me, this word has a very warm, positive connotation. It simply did not occur to me that anybody could possibly not feel positive about that word, let alone be uncomfortable with it.
I learned during our gathering that “community” does not carry a positive association for everyone—a powerful reminder of my own blind spots.
As Focusers, we know words do not have fixed, universally shared meanings. But it is so easy to forget that when we are convinced it cannot possibly apply to this particular word!
Does this mean that I should no longer use the word “community?” I don’t know about a better word. But what I know is it doesn’t mean the same thing to everybody. I have yet to engage in a discussion with people who don’t feel anywhere as positive about this word as I do, and I hope it will happen soon.
In some ways, the differences that emerge from such a discussion might be limiting my use of the word “community.” But they will also enrich my understanding of… our community (for lack of a better word).
A suggestion for our future conferences
In the same spirit, I have a suggestion for what we do in future events and conferences: that we build in process groups around the theme of the event, so that there is a space to explore the different ways that the event’s theme lands on people. I’m talking about making space for these discussions during the event, making them part of the event.